Gaslighting in Relationships

Gaslighting in Relationships

How to tell if you’re being gaslit

Lachlan Brown

Hack Spirit

In this insightful article, Lachlan Brown discusses gaslighting – what it is, why it happens, why people become gaslighters, and strategies to escape these manipulative relationships. 

Article Summary

“The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play known as Gas Light, in which a husband slowly convinces his wife that she is insane by dimming their gas-powered lights and denying that he dimmed it.”

Gaslighting can be observed in all kinds of relationships – the work relationship between an employer and an employee, the parental relationship between a parent and a child, or even the societal relationship between a politician and his or her constituents. It is perhaps most dangerous when observed in a romantic relationship.

Recognizing Gaslighting

Here are some signs that you are experiencing gaslighting: 

–    You often wonder if you are a worthy partner

–    You no longer trust yourself with even the most basic decisions

–    You often tell small white lies to your partner because you’re afraid of being put-down for the truth

–    You have a confusing feeling that something is wrong in the relationship but you can’t pin it down

–    You lie to your friends and family about your partner’s behavior

–    You find yourself constantly apologizing for things you don’t understand

–    You feel lost, crazy, confused, and emotionally undeveloped, particularly during arguments

–    You are constantly asking yourself: “Am I too much of a baby? Am I too sensitive?”

 

Stages of a Gaslighting Relationship 

– Stage 1: Lies and Exaggerations: When the gaslighting begins, it starts with small lies and exaggerations that the partner might just wave off as banter or jokes. The gaslighter creates an untrue narrative about their victim, leaving the victim on the defense.

– Stage 2: Dependence Creation: The gaslighter then slowly evolves the relationship into one where the victim needs them more than the gaslighter needs them. This can be financially, emotionally, or socially; maybe the gaslighter makes more money, or the gaslighter convinces the victim that their relationship is the only good thing in their life, or that they have no friends or family who care about them. This puts the gaslighter in the ultimate seat of power: the power to take all their happiness away if they desire.

– Stage 3: Wearing Out: Through various techniques and tactics, the gaslighter keeps the victim on the defensive, where the victim is constantly asked to question their reality to avoid or deescalate seemingly unnecessary conflicts. They start asking themselves the questions: Am I the problem? Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Eventually, they become convinced that they are.

– Stage 4: Control Through Hope: The gaslighter finally keeps the relationship going by controlling it with just enough false hope to keep their victim superficially happy. The constant stream of coercion and manipulation keeps the victim insecure and broken, but just enough kindness every now and then is presented to keep them staying. 

How to Escape a Gaslighting Partner 

Escaping a gaslighting partner involves more than just physically getting away from them.

You have to accept that you have been conditioned emotionally and psychologically by your partner, and escaping it means changing the way your instincts have been modified by their coercion. Read the following steps to truly detach your mind from a gaslighting relationship: 

1) Identify the situation: Understand that there is a problem, figure out what the problem is, and accept that it is happening to you. Nothing will change if you don’t start by accepting what you have fallen into.

2) Separate fact and fiction: Your world has been distorted, and you have been convinced that things that were true actually weren’t. Sit down, take a breath, and figure out how much of what you believe is true, and how much isn’t.

3) Try to see the power struggle: Gaslighting is all about power, nothing else. Look at the relationship you have with your partner, and recognize the power dynamic and power struggle between you two.

4) Visualize yourself out: Escaping a gaslighting relationship means being able to convince your mind that it is okay to live a life without the relationship. Practice mental exercises where you imagine what your life would be and what you would be if you didn’t have this relationship with you. Make sure that this visualization is positive, hopeful, and light.

5) Start feeling again: A long-term side effect of gaslighting is losing the ability to trust in your instinctive feelings. Track your feelings down – the first ones that occur, not the ones you think you should have – and let your mind feel them out. Understand your moods without the influence of your partner, and remember how you used to feel about things.

6) Tell yourself it’s okay to leave: Gaslighters tend to target individuals who have their own complexes; people who can’t help but help and heal those around them. This is why you might feel so guilty leaving someone that is very obviously broken. But tell yourself: it’s okay to leave. It’s time to prioritize you.

7) Seek help: Your reality is no longer something you can trust. It’s time to seek out help from people you knew before your relationship: your friends and family. Cling onto them and allow them to help you realign yourself with the mind you used to have.

8) Trust your feelings more than your mind: Gaslighters succeed by redefining what right and wrong are in their victim’s mind. You have to accept that your mind isn’t the best place right now, so you have to go with your gut, your feelings for now. Trust what you feel more than what you think – it will help you realize the lies your gaslighter has made you believe.

9) You can’t change someone who won’t change: One of the last things you need to accept is that if your partner is unwilling to change, you can’t make them change. It’s not your responsibility to change their mind, especially when they don’t want to.

10) Love yourself: Be kind to yourself. Accept that you have gone through an enormous ordeal involving a huge amount of pain. It’s time that you fix that, and you fix that by prioritizing you.

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