Gaslighting
in Relationships
How
to tell if you’re being gaslit
Lachlan
Brown
Hack
Spirit
In this insightful article, Lachlan Brown discusses gaslighting –
what it is, why it happens, why people become gaslighters, and strategies to
escape these manipulative relationships.
Article Summary
“The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play known as Gas Light,
in which a husband slowly convinces his wife that she is insane by dimming
their gas-powered lights and denying that he dimmed it.”
Gaslighting can be observed in all kinds of relationships – the
work relationship between an employer and an employee, the parental
relationship between a parent and a child, or even the societal relationship
between a politician and his or her constituents. It is perhaps most dangerous
when observed in a romantic relationship.
Recognizing Gaslighting
Here are some signs that you are experiencing gaslighting:
–
You often wonder if you are a worthy partner
–
You no longer trust yourself with even the most basic decisions
–
You often tell small white lies to your partner because you’re
afraid of being put-down for the truth
–
You have a confusing feeling that something is wrong in the
relationship but you can’t pin it down
–
You lie to your friends and family about your partner’s behavior
–
You find yourself constantly apologizing for things you don’t
understand
–
You feel lost, crazy, confused, and emotionally undeveloped,
particularly during arguments
–
You are constantly asking yourself: “Am I too much of a baby? Am I
too sensitive?”
Stages of a Gaslighting
Relationship
– Stage 1: Lies and Exaggerations: When the gaslighting
begins, it starts with small lies and exaggerations that the partner might just
wave off as banter or jokes. The gaslighter creates an untrue narrative about
their victim, leaving the victim on the defense.
– Stage 2: Dependence Creation: The gaslighter then slowly
evolves the relationship into one where the victim needs them more than the
gaslighter needs them. This can be financially, emotionally, or socially; maybe
the gaslighter makes more money, or the gaslighter convinces the victim that
their relationship is the only good thing in their life, or that they have no
friends or family who care about them. This puts the gaslighter in the ultimate
seat of power: the power to take all their happiness away if they desire.
– Stage 3: Wearing Out: Through various techniques and
tactics, the gaslighter keeps the victim on the defensive, where the victim is
constantly asked to question their reality to avoid or deescalate seemingly
unnecessary conflicts. They start asking themselves the questions: Am I the
problem? Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Eventually, they become convinced that they
are.
– Stage 4: Control Through Hope: The gaslighter finally
keeps the relationship going by controlling it with just enough false hope to
keep their victim superficially happy. The constant stream of coercion and
manipulation keeps the victim insecure and broken, but just enough kindness
every now and then is presented to keep them staying.
How to Escape a Gaslighting
Partner
Escaping a gaslighting partner involves more than just physically
getting away from them.
You have to accept that you have been conditioned emotionally and
psychologically by your partner, and escaping it means changing the way your
instincts have been modified by their coercion. Read the following steps to
truly detach your mind from a gaslighting relationship:
1) Identify the situation: Understand
that there is a problem, figure out what the problem is, and accept that it is
happening to you. Nothing will change if you don’t start by accepting what you
have fallen into.
2) Separate fact and fiction:
Your world has been distorted, and you have been convinced that things that
were true actually weren’t. Sit down, take a breath, and figure out how much of
what you believe is true, and how much isn’t.
3) Try to see the power struggle:
Gaslighting is all about power, nothing else. Look at the relationship you have
with your partner, and recognize the power dynamic and power struggle between
you two.
4) Visualize yourself out:
Escaping a gaslighting relationship means being able to convince your mind that
it is okay to live a life without the relationship. Practice mental exercises
where you imagine what your life would be and what you would be if you didn’t
have this relationship with you. Make sure that this visualization is positive,
hopeful, and light.
5) Start feeling again: A
long-term side effect of gaslighting is losing the ability to trust in your
instinctive feelings. Track your feelings down – the first ones that occur, not
the ones you think you should have – and let your mind feel them out.
Understand your moods without the influence of your partner, and remember how
you used to feel about things.
6) Tell yourself it’s okay to
leave: Gaslighters tend to target individuals who have their own complexes;
people who can’t help but help and heal those around them. This is why you
might feel so guilty leaving someone that is very obviously broken. But tell
yourself: it’s okay to leave. It’s time to prioritize you.
7) Seek help: Your reality is
no longer something you can trust. It’s time to seek out help from people you
knew before your relationship: your friends and family. Cling onto them and
allow them to help you realign yourself with the mind you used to have.
8) Trust your feelings more than
your mind: Gaslighters succeed by redefining what right and wrong are in
their victim’s mind. You have to accept that your mind isn’t the best place
right now, so you have to go with your gut, your feelings for now. Trust what
you feel more than what you think – it will help you realize the lies your
gaslighter has made you believe.
9) You can’t change someone who
won’t change: One of the last things you need to accept is that if your
partner is unwilling to change, you can’t make them change. It’s not your
responsibility to change their mind, especially when they don’t want to.
10) Love yourself: Be kind to
yourself. Accept that you have gone through an enormous ordeal involving a huge
amount of pain. It’s time that you fix that, and you fix that by prioritizing
you.
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