Codependency
Codependency: How to Break Free and
Live Your Own Life
David Stafford & Liz Hodgkinson
1998 Edition
Co-dependency is a common condition in which people are
alienated from their self and deny their genuine emotions. They depend on
others for their sense of self-worth and self-esteem. The authors of this
engaging book aim to enable the reader to recognize and understand the co-dependency
syndrome, and learn how to break free from it and find a more positive way of
life.
Notable Ideas of the Book
Codependents are those people who depend upon on others for
their own sense of self-esteem. They are the over-supportive wives and loyal
secretaries. They are or can be – dedicated doctors and tireless social
workers. Not that there is anything wrong with being supportive or loyal, but
such behavior becomes codependent when it is misplaced, when balanced judgment
is lost and the support or loyalty continues when it is not deserved or
appropriate. For example, a codependent secretary will always be willing to
work overtime without pay, undertake extra duties – and put her own life in
abeyance while serving her boss, who may take all the credit for her hard work,
perhaps without even a ‘thank you’.
Codependents, essentially are people who cannot live their own
lives. They live vicariously, have no real sense of their own identity and
don’t really know who they are. They are like chameleons, taking colours from
their surroundings. Above all they desperately want to be loved, needed and
highly regarded.
Codependency is never a positive characteristic and hurts all it
touches; many millions of people let codependency rule their lives. They
attempt to control and manipulate others by whatever means they can. They can’t
say no, and they let others walk all over them. They are the parents who won’t
let their children grow up, the wife who won’t let her husband out of her sight
in case he has an affair, the loyal worker who allows herself or himself to be
exploited.
Codependents are people-pleasers always putting others first at
the expense of themselves. Initially they may seem extremely caring, loving and
self-sacrificing. But always beneath the apparent saintliness, they seek to
control others.
Because codependents do not have a strong personal sense of identity
and possess little sense of self-worth, they over-identify with their roles and
relationships. Instead of being a woman who also happens to be a mother, a
codependent with children will see herself first and foremost as a ‘mother’ not
realizing that this is only a role she assumes, albeit an important one.
In our present society such people are frequently considered
admirable – giving up everything to look after others. They are seen as
unselfish, altruistic and self-sacrificing. Most probably they have told
themselves that they don’t have any serious needs of their own, that their
happiness comes from looking after others and tending to their need. Yet the
fact is that none of them is happy.
Codependents, for various reasons, are powerless to run their
own lives. They must always be at the beck and call of others. Having only a
very hazy notion of who they are, it becomes easier to define themselves in
terms of their roles, or relationships to other people, safer to allow the
feelings and actions of others to rule their lives.
... A codependent uses people in much the same way as a
chemically dependent person will use alcohol or drugs. Codependents are the
ultimate busybodies, wanting to be useful, wanting to be in charge and like
other addicts, they need to achieve a high. They get a buzz from feeling
useful, needed and wanted – and an almighty let-down when they sense they are
not being appreciated enough or that other people simply trample over them.
They put themselves out endlessly for others and then wonder why people are so
often ungrateful, so dismissive, so nasty.
There is a vast difference between being ordinarily loving and
caring and having the best interests of family members at heart – and being
codependent. In essence as codependent person cannot ever see what might be
best for others, because he or she has become incapable of detaching and
understanding clearly what the needs of others might be. They actually project
their own needs onto other people. In a way horrible though this may seem, they
become like leeches, clinging on those around them for their own sense of
identity and status.
Codependents are always looking for a needy individual to latch
on to. And with so many sad cases or ‘lost causes’ to embrace, they will always
be successful. They are found in all walks of life, as doctors, nurses,
therapists, social workers, loyal secretaries, dedicated workers, compulsive
over-achievers and sometimes – yes – as active addicts.
Codependency is a specific condition characterized by preoccupation
and extreme dependence on another person – emotionally, socially, sometimes
physically. This dependence nurtured over a long period of time, becomes a
pathological condition that affects the codependent in all their relationships.
Another definition of a codependent is somebody who might say,
or at least think without you, I’m nothing. It would be very hard to
codependent if alone on a desert land. A codependent needs people in the same
way as an alcoholic needs a drink, or a gamblers needs to place a bet.
The concept of
codependency can be difficult to appreciate, especially as it is so intimately
bound up with what society tells us is good and right. It is good to be carer –
the newspapers are always full of stories about carers who give up everything
to look after aged relatives or handicapped children. It is good to be
concerned, to be loyal, to be a conscientious worker. But codependency is
inappropriate, over-the-top loyalty, caring and supportiveness. Codependents
work far beyond the call of duty, even when there is no need for it.
The basis of codependency is not simply that we may be
profoundly affected by the behavior or feelings of other people, so much as
that we cannot see other people as separate from ourselves, with their own set
of behaviours, feelings and actions which we may not share.
Whenever you feel compelled to put other people first at the
expense of yourself, you are denying your own reality, your own identity.
One of the commonest remarks codependents make is: after all
I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me. They have enormous expectations of
others, expectations which are rarely met. They hope and pray that the other
people in their lives will change and improve. Many sincerely believe that the
world would be a far better place if only everybody change their behavior for
the better.
True Love
We can very easily confuse codependency with love. Falling in
love mimics severe codependency. When people ‘fall in love’ very often, and
frequently they go through emotional turmoil because of another failed or
unsatisfactory love affair. If we genuinely love, we will wish what is best for
the other person, rather than wanting the beloved to modify his or her behavior
to suit our wishes.
True love involves detachment, being able to let go.
Codependents love wishes to bind, strangle, cling. Parents who love their
children will wish them well all their lives, but will not be hurt or
disappointed when the children’s lives do not conform to the parent’s hopes or
expectations. The codependents finds it difficult to appreciate that children
are completely separate beings for whom they have taken only temporary
responsibility.
Gender Factor
Codependency can affect
men and women equally, although it’s more obvious manifestations are frequently
found in women. One reason for this is because in our society women are
encouraged to become the carers, to put their own needs and talents on hold to
become secondary and supportive. One of the aspects hindering recovery is that
codependents are so useful to the other people in their lives, that these
others don’t want the codependent to recover, and may actively sabotage such
attempts. So many people, particularly men, have been rendered so helpless by
the codependents in their lives that they live in terror of having to manage on
their own.
Unhealthy
Codependency is unhealthy as it brings about so much chronic
illness. The most common consequence of codependency is depression, very often
severe. Another frequent consequence is active addiction, whether to alcohol,
shopping, food, gambling or prescribed or street drugs.
The reason why it can bring about so much illness is that it is
a stressful state. Codependents feel nervous inside. They have little
self-confidence and almost no sense of identity. They are frantic worriers,
take excessive responsibility for others, and can never relax.
Shame
The kind of home which tends to favour the development of
codependent attitudes is one where there is enormous pretence, rather than any
acknowledgment of painful realities. Such homes are known as shame-based family
systems. In fact the concept of shame is central to understanding codependency.
Because there is a deep sense of shame, either about an addiction, or about the
behavior of a family member – or because one or both parents came from such a
home themselves – enormous efforts are usually made to pretend that everything
is normal and that this is an exceptionally happy and close-knit family. So
there is always an ongoing cover up which prevents family members having a
strong sense of personal identity. How can you learn to be yourself when you
have had to play a false part from your earliest years?
All homes have problems; healthy ones admit them, codependent
homes keep them under wraps. The reason for this is clear – the hope is that if
the problems are never brought to the surface, they will simply go away. In
fact the opposite happens – they fester and get progressively worse. When
problems are denied the fears and shame become submerged and repressed. They
remain below conscious level and are liable to surface in appropriate ways.
Narcissistic Attachment
In codependent homes, parents are unable to see the children,
however old they may be, as separate entities. This is known as narcissistic
attachment, meaning that the parent has great difficulty understanding what the
child may be wanting.
In healthy families, the children will develop a sense of
self-sufficiency and be happy to live away from home when they grow up – and
the parents will be content that they have done their job. There will be
contact, but this will be as between adults, with no guilt, emotional blackmail
or recriminations on either side.
In codependent homes by contrast, children never break away
properly; because they have always had to exist in relation to the parents,
they have never developed independence. The codependent parents will respond to
the child in one of two characteristic ways:
1.
Either they will
devise completely rigid behavior strategies to regulate and control the child’s
demands, so that these cause minimal disruption and annoyance to the parents.
2.
Or they will go to
the opposite extreme and give in to the child’s every whim.
The issue of codependency must be addressed as a serious problem
in our society because it is impossible for anybody to fulfill their true
potential as human beings unless they can come from a background of fear and
mistrust – emotions they have absorbed into themselves. They have not learned
viable intimacy skills, which is why they will almost always pick people who
are somehow are unavailable as partners.
When we are completely and emotionally dependent on someone
else, we must control them. Our need for control arises from the fear that the
other person would leave us, abandon us. When our self-worth is intimately tied
up in our relationship with another person, it eventually withers and dies so
that we are left without any self-worth at all.
Be Good to Yourself
Resist trying to become what other people want you to be.
Anybody who tries to change you is really saying: as I can’t control myself I
will try and control you. By the same token, don’t attempt to control other
people’s behavior – it’s not your place. If you don’t like certain aspects of a
person when you first get to know them, and are desperate to alter them, then
you are you are storing up problems for later life. Think carefully about why
you want to change them.
Men and women often believe that thanks to their loving care,
their partners or prospective partners will be enabled to give up smoking,
gambling or whatever. Of course they won’t. If you ever feel the person in your
life needs rescuing particularly from him or herself – beware codependency is
rearing its head again.
The Spiritual Aspect
Codependency thrives on materialism, investing in external such
as people, roles, status, but these are empty and unfulfilling, which probably
accounts for the growing trend in our society to reject materialism and embrace
spirituality. In this context ‘spirituality’ relates to the ability to be in
touch with our inner selves, and to understand that we are, as people, distinct
from the roles and parts we play, and how we relate to other people.
True Guru
Anybody with a codependent streak is in great danger of being
taken in by a charismatic leader. They are all fallible – even though some may
have developed genuine spiritual qualities. A true ‘guru’ is somebody who can lead you from darkness into light – that
is what the word means. It is important not follow a ‘rugu’ – somebody who leads from light into darkness, or a ‘gugu’ – somebody who keeps you in the
dark. Any human being who insists that he (or she) is worshipped, and entitled
to all your worldly goods is not a truly spiritual person – just another
codependent, desperate for your love and esteem.
You can appreciate the wisdom or spirituality of somebody else,
that you can learn from them if they have something of value to teach, but that
you will not ever come to depend or rely on them in the sense that you will
never be tempted to handover everything to them, in the belief that they will
be able to take all your cares and woes away and enable you to have a
worry-free, stress-free life. No human being can do that for another – all that
a helper of any sort can do at best is to help you to see where the essence of
your identity lies, and to impart some useful strategies for accessing this and
becoming aware of it.
True spirituality means taking time for the things that matter
to you, and not having your day filled out with catering for other people. This
does not mean you have to be selfish – in fact truly spiritual people are the
most loving and giving. But they do not give in order to make you feel
grateful, obligated or under a burden. They give because they have something to
spare – but they rarely give at the expense of themselves. They give you
because they love you and they love you because they love themselves.
